Can I tell you what I see?

How often do you hear a question, ‘Can I share my feedback with you?’. There is so much power in that question. It might open a meaningful discussion and shake a part of you. I have been there. In a moment when that question was a real spark for change. Have you been there?

The other day I heard that question from a person close to me. I felt a mixture of curiosity and anxiety. I couldn’t wait to hear that and still part of me was somehow anxious. I knew she would tell me the truth. Because she cares about me. So, we had that conversation. She put on the table what she noticed in the meeting we had a few hours ago. She said what she saw in me. No sugarcoat, she was clear and sharp. She knows the real me, and she observed that in that meeting some part of me was missing. I felt like she saw through me. And what she said touched something deep inside me. When she was speaking, I recognized something else in myself. I was just about to tell my story. I was close to justify myself. At that moment I said to myself, ‘Just shut up and listen.’ So, I did. Trying to absorb her every word. So that I can learn from that moment as much as I can. And I observed one more thing. I felt it was not easy for her to share that constructive feedback with me. Of course, she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to shake me. I felt she had no other agenda than pure care. So priceless and so rare. At that moment we connected on a deeper level.

Sometimes you hear something about yourself you don’t like. Somebody observed you in a situation and tells you what he or she saw. That could be difficult. And it could cause a real storm inside you. Somebody saw something in you that perhaps you were not aware of, that you were trying to deny, or not to think about. Well, magic thinking doesn’t help here. All that can help is to look at the mirror somebody is holding up to you. Even though you might not like that reflection.

Just listen. Take a deep breath. Keep your ego on hold. Fight that incredible urge to justify yourself, find excuses, make up stories to “look better” in the eyes of the other person. You don’t need to prove anything. You don’t need to fight. What for? Thank the person for caring enough to share their observations. For being brave enough to be your mirror. You can spoil that moment so easily. You can shut someone down and miss the opportunity for becoming better. Or it could be the real and powerful moment of your becoming. The moment you learn and connect with yourself and the other person.

Can I share my feedback with you? How does that question feel to you? When somebody asks you that question? When that happens what does it trigger in you? When did you hear that lately? Reflect for a moment on how you responded at that time. Lucky you, if you hear that question from people. Because you are given sparks for becoming. And most probably those people who ask that feedback care. They care about you.