Better than yesterday

Sometimes we struggle with new things. We struggle learning new stuff or trying to improve in different areas. And we create stories in our mind about ourselves and what we try to achieve. Some of those stories pull us down. Have you ever made up those stories or heard them from your loved ones?

The other day my kid was preparing for an important school test. Trying to learn something that to him seemed so distant and abstract. I saw him struggle. Even though he was trying to connect the dots, he simply couldn’t do that. Guess what, my mother rescue mode fired! I offered my help. We were sitting together over an hour over some stuff. So much happened in that hour. He was trying to solve the tasks and either he didn’t know what to do, or he was making mistakes. He said he would fail the test. That it was too difficult. He was putting himself into boxes “stupid”, “unintelligent”, “untalented”. My heart broke. It hurts like hell when you hear your loved person doing that to themselves. Then he started to say that it didn’t make any sense to learn that “stupid” stuff. I felt we were getting nowhere. I was thinking, “Geez, what is going on here?”. I got frustrated, angry, and disappointed because of his reaction and giving up. I felt I was becoming more and more distant from him. Even though more than anything I wanted to find the way to build the bridge. I counted to 3, okay to 10. Three didn’t help. I felt we both needed a break. I said to my son, “Let’s take a break. We will come back to it. I am sure you will succeed!”. He replied, “Mum, I don’t understand that, I will never make it.” I said, “You don’t understand that yet.” He smiled and said, “Yeah, sure.”

We were learning together in next few days, experiencing our ups and downs. There were moments when we were going round in circles. But we were moving forward, step by step. He was making progress, doing better with every day. One day I said to him, “Look, you are doing really great! And where have you been few days ago? Were you able to solve it?”. He replied, “Well, no…”. So, I asked, “And how about now?”. “Now, it seems easy to me…”, he said. I smiled and asked, “What does it tell you about you?”. He responded, “Come on, mum… you know! Thank you.” I looked into his eyes and I will never forget that. That spark of self-confidence was there. Magic.

It was so important to me not to mess this up. Not to lose the opportunity for him to feel that he could simply get better only if he gives himself a chance and if he doesn’t give up on himself. And better doesn’t mean outstanding, brilliant, or the best. Better means better. Better than yesterday. Helping him to see his own progress, the little or big steps he had taken, was so important.

This difficult school test was also a chance for him to realize that in life there will be all kind of “tests” when he will need to work harder, and even if he tries harder, he might “fail”. How early in our life do we need to learn that even with “failure” we can keep learning? I knew this experience with my kid was about much more than this “test”. It was about facing life, facing setbacks. I knew I needed to guide him, and I needed to center myself in the right state of mind to do it right.

We all do face setbacks in life. We all do struggle in life. Because we all are people. The question is what we do when things in life get difficult? How do we respond to the “tests” from adulthood? Do we start to create stories and put labels on ourselves that justify why we should give up? Do we acknowledge the struggle, take a pause and keep trying? Do we take one or a lot of pauses to recharge, reflect and try again? And how are we helping others see and respond to the setbacks? Again, it is all about choices.