Chasing after praise
The other day I had an important presentation in front of a big audience, I knew my stuff, I had worked very hard on the content, I was ready. I went to the stage and I did it. I thought I had done a good job, my very best. Few minutes later, I was hoping and expecting to hear something like “It was great”, “Congrats Bogusia”, “Good presentation”, these kind of praise and recognition from audience, my manager, but nothing came. Zero, silence. “What the hell is going on?”, I thought. A mix of anxiety, tension, even hurt started to appear. Then all the questions in my head, “Why didn’t they say anything?”, “Was that good?”, “Did they like it?”, followed by the scary questions of “Was I good? Did they like me? Was I enough?”. Oh my God! Have you ever been there? In the moments when we are emotionally triggered and start torturing ourselves because the expected praise and positive feedback from others didn’t come? I have felt it and it is not a nice place to be.
Who doesn’t like being praised? Being seen, recognized? We all do, it feels good, no doubt. It motivates us. It creates energy to move us forward and reach for more. There is that part of us that wants to be appreciated and recognized by those around us. That wants to be included, liked. That’s a very real part of us. We must honor and validate it. And sure, it feels good when recognition comes, but what if not?
The tricky part with praise and recognition is when we give them extra and destructive power, the problem is when we cross the line and see them as a main source of validation, and it becomes an equivalent of self-worth. If praise comes, it means “I am worthy”, we feel energized, happy. If it doesn’t, it means “There is something wrong with me”, we feel unsettled, hurt. And it is so easy to cross that line, moving from “Was my presentation good?” to “Did they like me? What was wrong with me?”. If we don’t direct our thought process, we might start to diminish ourselves, question our competences and contribution. We jump into the praise-chasing rollercoaster. Playing a “zero-sum game. Either we feel like a star, or like a failure. And even if we feel like a star in a moment, in a next moment we feel insecure again.
Another risk is that we might lose ourselves in this constant pursuit of recognition and praise. We might give up on our real us. Giving our spot to others’ opinions, to others’ expectation because we cannot live without their “Good job” which in our head means “You are good”. Have you ever felt that disappointment, a bit of resentment or frustration after praise when deep down you know that you didn’t stand up for what you believed?
Fortunately, we can find the way to unhook from praise. First, we need to recognize that it is normal to like praise and recognition, it feels nice but, then when we catch ourselves chasing after it and crossing the line, we need to stop, take a deep breath and reflect “What’s behind my desire to be recognized here? Is there a void that I am trying to fulfil? Is there a fear behind this? What expectation from me or others am I holding? From where do they come from?”. Ouch! Complex and maybe even scary questions, but it is like turning the lights on when it is dark to really see what we are afraid of. It requires courage to go there, and it requires time to reflect.
When praise doesn’t come and we start to get into this unhealthy spiral of thought, we need to redirect our thinking and the best tools we have are questions. “What is my purpose? Who am I doing this for? Why am I doing this? What is really important?”. These questions connect us with our “why”. Our values and convictions will get us back to the solid ground. It doesn’t mean that the difficult emotions like hurt, anxiety or self-doubt will disappear automatically, maybe they will not, but from the place of my “why” things have a different perspective. It is a place where my self-worth gets stronger and safe.
The last shifting question could be “Do I expect everyone to like what I do, or to like me? Is that realistic? And what if they don’t like what I did? What if they think it was not good, and even what if they don’t like me?”. Time ago I had a good mentor who asked me a big question: “Judith, who do you think you are to believe that everything you do will be liked by others or that everybody will like you as a person?”. “That’s a crazy expectation and a terrible trap.”, he said. And he continued, “Let me tell you, many times, people will not like your job, they might think it was not good enough, some people might not like you and that’s a part of life, there is nothing you can do about it, you don’t have that power and the most important is that it doesn’t mean that you are not worth it or that you need to stop your life because of that…”. I was speechless, I knew all of that in my head, but something happened in that moment that I felt it deep down, a light went on. It was so liberating to me. Him, his words, and his intention to help me were real and kind.
How often are you getting “hooked” by praise? And if it happens to you, what does it tell you? What do you choose to do about it?