They see me

The other day I was with my little daughter watching a live music show for kids. We had good fun. Everyone was watching what was happening on the stage. In one moment, the artists invited kids to step on the stage to dance together. I said to my girl, “Go, have fun!”. She was excited to go. I could see that spark in her eyes. She got up and started walking to the stage. And suddenly she turned back to me with eyes filled with tears. She hugged me whispering, “I am ashamed mummy, everyone will be watching when I dance there…”. I was moved and felt so connected with her at that moment. I said to her, “I see dear, what you feel now is a shame. It is okay to feel it. It is a difficult feeling. We will find a way to move through it. And you know what, I have been there many times.” She looked at me and asked, “And what do you do in those moments?”. I said, “I talk about my shame with someone else. Then all feel different and lighter.” She smiled. That moment made me think about how much power shame has over us and how it can stop us from living.

Shame. This intense feeling of being flawed, wrong, and inadequate. Telling us that there is something wrong with us. That we are not enough. That we are not worthy of being loved and respected. “Who the hell do you think you are!” – it is a painful shame tape. With shame, we collapse inside ourselves like we wanted to disappear or become invisible. Because shame is full of fear. The fear of being “seen”. We are scared to death that if people see and know the real us, they will laugh, turn us down, and think all the bad things about us. And if they discover our real story, all those imperfections and “mess”, they will think all the bad things about us. So, we decide to keep our fears buried deep down inside us. We keep them secret, hiding them not only from others but even from ourselves. In silence, they grow.

We all experience shame at different moments. We might just not see it clearly or we disconnect from it. We are ashamed of feeling shame.

Where does shame come from? We can be ashamed by those around us with how they respond to our emotions, struggles, and mistakes. And it comes in different ways. With criticizing us in front of others, invalidating our feelings, making jokes about us, and diminishing our contribution. With the comments “Don’t be weak!” or “Be perfect!”. With silence when we need to hear simple words, said with care. Shame also comes with a desperate attempt to meet different expectations, like being a perfect mum, manager, and employee. We might want to be “all this” at the same time, which is just impossible. We play like we were naturally talented multitaskers, superwomen, or superheroes, not showing how much we are sweating. We struggle, but we don’t say a word. Well, it is not sexy to talk about that.

The way we handle shame becomes so automatic that we are even not aware of how we deal with it. And we do it in so many ways. We hide inside ourselves. We act like we had nothing to say and we didn’t deserve to be heard or seen. We are exceptionally giving, good, and caring to others, no matter what. Always smiling and pleasing others. We avoid situations and challenges that potentially can trigger shame. Eventually, we miss the opportunities that life brings. Or we become perfectionists. Anything less than 100% is a failure. We use all the strategies to control things and be perfect in every way. We can also fight shame, striving to look smarter and better, showing off, and overpowering others. Take a pause. Where do you find yourself?

How to navigate shame? We need to have clarity on what triggers shame in us. Perhaps those are the moments when I stand in front of the mirror. Or maybe when I stand in front of a big audience? Or when I want to take up a new challenge? Scratch shame surface and dive into it. What am I trying to hide? What am I afraid people will discover about me? What expectations am I trying to fulfill? What image do I want to project? Ultimately it is all about making a conscious choice to detach from what it tells us, give ourselves a big hug, take a deep breath a move on.

And what is pricless, is having someone to talk about our shame. Shame, like any other emotion, tells us a story that we bear inside. And that story, when untold, brings pain. When it is spoken, can be liberating. When we share it with a person who can connect with us and respond with empathy and understanding magic happens. Great chances are that we learn that we are not the only ones who experience shame. That we all are together in this shame struggle.

So, others will see you. Sure! But you can still go on the stage.